Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
True
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.