What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
This chloroform smells expensiv…
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.