I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S