INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”