Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time