*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Me buying fruit and veg
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now