I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.