I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.