Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
You Might Also Like
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
#Thanos #MondayMood
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I’ve been drinking.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues