[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon