One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE