Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
lmfao come on
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The news in a nutshell.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.