If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
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Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!