My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
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ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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