Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
You Might Also Like
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*