“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?