Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree