Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.