I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Hard not to take this personally
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.