a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
lmao
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
They also CAN sing✌️
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her