”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Happy Caturday!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
💁🏻♂️
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
How do you milk an almond?