Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’