.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
crazy
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Awwwww shit.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.