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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.