I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
A customer told me they were never coming back….
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”