[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
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When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My therapist after every session
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.