*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.