I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.