Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.