First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
This will never not be funny to me.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick