safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???