[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
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the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The Friday File.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.