When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.