Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.