I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
synchronized noseblowing
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first