Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.