me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.