My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
uncle dave has been through hell
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.