It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Body by cheese-puffs.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.