food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP