We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.