I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….