Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.