I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.