mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.