Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
23. the denim jacket
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I bet birds love this building.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB