I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu