The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars