I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.