Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol